Four years ago today, my life changed forever. I did something that I never dreamed I would have to do. I held the tiny hand of my baby boy, Adam, and watched him pass away. At the time it was surreal, like a living nightmare.
It all happened so quickly. The terminal diagnosis on Christmas day. Coming home a few days later. Hospice workers in my living room, making end of life plans for my baby boy. Baptism on New Year's day. Choosing a cemetery and purchasing burial plots. Death shortly after on January 5th. Planning a funeral.
I remember, even in the darkest of times, knowing for sure in my heart that Adam wanted us to continue to live. To really live - enjoy our lives. As I grieved the loss of one baby boy, his twin was thriving in front of me. I had no choice but to look for the joy and gifts in my life. Otherwise, it would have been like we lost both baby boys that day.
This morning as I was getting ready for the day, I was thinking back to when I was pregnant and making plans for our twin boys. Those memories still cut deep, and tears came to my eyes. At that same moment, I heard a loud burst of laughter coming from Luke and Tommy's room. They were both letting out the sweetest belly laughs, having so much fun playing together. It felt as if Adam was urging me to focus on the life right in front of me.
Our family had an awful thing happen. The pain from losing a child never completely goes away, you are never "over it". But then I think about all the blessings in our life, and I am truly humbled. Just as I never thought I would have to bury my child, I also never thought I would be blessed in so many ways. I am so grateful that my heart has healed enough to know this. The tragedy would be for me to never see what a beautiful life I am living.
I like to think that a piece of Adam lives on through Luke. And the day Tommy was born, I couldn't believe he had the same color of hair as Adam. Last night when I was walking our dog Boomer, I couldn't help but notice the sky. The clouds had parted into a V shape, and the full moon was shining brightly down. The light from the moon made our pond come alive with twinkling lights. It was beautiful, and looked like the clouds had parted with heaven shining down. It's these moments that make me smile, and I almost feel Adam with me.
Sending up so much love to our boy, and finding peace in the knowledge that we will meet again <3