Things have been really rough at our household the last few days. Adam is not doing well at all. He's experiencing a lot of pain, and having long, frequent apnea moments. There are no words to describe what it's like to watch your newborn baby die. Hospice has been wonderful, working with us closely to manage Adam's pain, and letting us know where Adam is in his dying process.
My mom has been at our house since Saturday, which has been a blessing. She's cooking and cleaning and helping with the babies. Right now we simply can't manage to do all those things, while dealing with our grief over Adam. So many friends have offered up meals and support - we appreciate that so much. With all that is going on, eating seems to be the thing that falls through....it's nice to have real food to eat to keep our energy levels up.
Mark and I had to go out to a cemetery today to pick out a grave plot for Adam. There is a beautiful country cemetery a mile from our home, and luckily they had sites available. It was so strange to think that two weeks ago we were full of excitement about our baby boys being born.....now we are planning a funeral for one of them.
The priest from our church came out tonight to give the sacrament of the sick to Adam, and to Mark, my mom, and I. That helped us all feel more at peace.
I sent Nolan to his dad's house yesterday, and he'll stay there until Adam passes. He was here yesterday when the hospice nurse was here, and there was a point at which Adam stopped breathing and she couldn't find a heartbeat....but then he started breathing again. I could tell it was way too much for Nolan to deal with. He seems the most upset by seeing me so upset. After the episode with Adam, Nolan went to his room and got his Christmas money. He brought it out and wanted to give it to me so I'd feel better. I can't completely protect him from the pain of losing his baby brother, but I can make it a little bit better by him not having to sit by and watch his brother die. I can barely handle that at age 32, so I can imagine how this feels for a 3rd grader.
Please continue the prayers for our family. We pray that Adam will find peace soon, so he can be freed from his pain. We know he will go straight to heaven.