Adam went to heaven January 5, 2011 very peacefully, surrounded by his loving family. Adam lived for only 15 days, but those 15 days changed our lives forever.
Being able to hold and care for Adam gave us memories that will last forever. He was brave, and he was a fighter - defying the odds simply by being born, and by surviving as long as he did. He had some apnea episodes that lasted 5 minutes, and one that lasted 10 minutes. Both times, I picked him up to hold him and say goodbye...and then he would take another breath. He wasn't ready to go, it wasn't his time.
The morning of January 5th I had Luke on the floor for some playtime. I was sitting with him and said that I felt really bad playing with Luke on the floor while Adam was in his bassinet alone. The reason we hadn't brought him down to the floor was because of his pain. His last few days we tried to move him as little as possible, because any movements caused him pain. Mark said, "Well, let's try him on the floor. Otherwise, it's like he's already in his coffin." Miraculously, when Mark brought him down, Adam did not cry out in pain. I had about 20 minutes of pure joy with my two infant sons. I played with them, and they enjoyed being close to each other. Their hands touched and Luke couldn't stop staring at Adam. Adam's color improved, and he even seemed to smile a little. The twin connection was so obvious. Luke even reached out and hit Adam's face - I got the chance to say, "Luke, don't hit your brother". :-) After about 20 minutes, Luke became a little fussy. I picked him up, and as soon as I picked him up, Adam became fussy. So I decided floor time would end for now. I put Adam back in his bassinet. About a minute later, Adam took his last breath. It was almost like he needed some time with his brother to say goodbye, and then he let go. He was not in pain and it was very peaceful. All of the false alarms from the previous few days had prepared me for the moment that he actually took his last breath. It was the first time I didn't feel panicked. I held his little hand and knew that he had gone to heaven, and that he was freed from his pain and suffering. I will never forget those last 20 minutes, and am incredibly thankful that Adam's last minutes were filled with happiness and peace.
We had a small, private funeral yesterday. It was a very difficult day, to say the least. There really aren't words to describe what it's like to bury your infant son. We are lucky to have Luke and Nolan. The joy of having them in our lives will carry us through the tough times. Now is the time to lean on our faith, and to accept help from family and friends. I don't think the pain from losing Adam will ever completely go away, but I know in time it will fade.
When you go through a tragedy like this, it feels like everything has stopped. But the reality is, the world keeps on going. As hard as it is, we have to keep on going. We look for joy and for reasons to smile. Lucky for me, I have an amazing husband, and I have Luke and Nolan - the three of them give me lots of reasons to smile every day.